Wow! i havent written on this thing for ever! well i'll just pretend that you all know whats going on in my life so i wont have to bring u up to date. Well, I am loving being in the musical. Its alot of fun but very stressful! my life outside school has practically diminished, which really sux cause there is this REALLY cute guy named Adam who i've been getting to know and i think i like him ;p Ariana is mad at me...again. I wish i never asked Amanda. i love amanda but if i knew it would have such an affect on Ari, i wouldnt have done it. At least were beginning to reach an understanding on it. Fuck planning! we'll do whatever we want and if we end up going to prom together, then so be it. I've been really thinking about Adam alot though. I keep on envisioning me and him at prom (me in a fabulous white tux of coures!) and we're just holding each other during one of the slow songs, and he's taller than me so i'd rest my head on him, and ppl would stare cause hey! look at us!!! we're queer and were here! but yeah, we wouldnt care cause we were just following the rhytms of the song. ::sigh:: wouldn't that be perfect!!!!

So here i am. Writing to you out of confusion. For weeks now i've been wishing that i could have love in my life, and now, i've met this guy. He's soooo sweet and we have so much in common. So why do i feel so lousy...i mean i'm depressed and everything. Maybe it's b/c my parents are acting like ass-holes. I hate them sometimes. Anyway...i donno what the fuck to do. Do i even know what i want. YES! I want to be loved. I want to be held and i want to be cared for. Will that ever happen? Am i going to be alone for the rest of my life? I cnt even explain my emotions properly. Fuck! Maybe i'm afraid because of what i think will happen. Maybe i'm sad because i worry that he will leave me once he see's the REAL me. My problem is that when ppl REALLY get to know me, they loose interest in me. Yeah, I have some good friends...but what i need is someone who loves me for...well...me.

OK so that didn't go as planned... So my post below told ya about this Ricky character... well i finally got the courage to talk to him so I IM him and i am humiliated! This was basically our conversation:
Ben: hey
Ricky: who is this
Ben: Staci's friend
Ricky: Why are u IMing me?
Ben: ok...so...stacy has been saying omg i love ricky he's so awesome...so i'm like who's ricky...and she told me that u were the guy we met at one of the early usy (my youth group) dances...so i'm like "oh that kid he was funny"...and the bottom line is that me and staci's friends are tired of hearing about the infamous ricky so u should totally come to the next dance!
Ricky: Umm no
Ben: why not
Ricky: cause dances suck. And i don't even know u so if you wouldn't mine, i would like to go back to what i was doing.

:WINCES: ok so i know that i might have sounded slightly stalkerish and frankly...i probably am. Oh and to anyone who doesn't know me...I promise that i am not as fucked up as i seem. Just a lonely teenager who wants a nice guy on guy relationship. Is that to much to ask?

UGHHHHH! Ok so i'm having a bit of a dilemma! So a whiles back i went to this dance w/ my friends and this really cute guy shows up. His name is Ricky and he was gay...obviously. Anywho... so he's a friend of one of my friends so we're all introduced and he's totally hitting on me. Unfortunately, i was so deeply in the closet back then that i was huddling around my friends like a pussy. finally when i get the courage to go up to him and "talk" to him...he's already left! So for the longest time i tried to find out his IM and phone number from my friends but i had to stop because they were getting suspicious. So now months later, here i am, trying to get re-introduced to this guy, now that i am more confident and that i have already come out to my friends. I was given his IM from one of my friends, but how can i even talk to this guy w/out sounding like a stalker. "Hey! I'm Staci's friend. You probably don't remember me but i met u at a dance a whiles back and i thought u were cute!" That's a great conversation starter! So yeah, that's my dilemma and now i'm tired of typing.

This is my first live journal entry! yay!